Written by Adeyeye Maryam Adedoyin

Dear Ponmo,
The ife I have for you is something I can not explain, I’ve found myself craving for you no matter the size and thickness. I particularly fall in love when you have successfully absorbed all the pepper an epo plus iru in the case of egusi and efo…
Be it in efo riro, ata dindin, egusi or even ila alasepo, you’ve got my attention. My mood lightens up when I see you swell after being soaked in water overnight and the expression is always like ‘I got your back baby, swell all you want’…
I want to assure you that even igbeyawo cannot separate us coz I’m already looking for ways to include you in the list for eru Iyawo (bridal gifts), don’t be surprised baby, its to show how much you’ve made my world turn around…
I know you want to ask about this ban on you because the awo isn’t enough for our industries to produce things again, but don’t worry, I’ve told them to go for rubber or plastic if it would deprive me of having you around…
Let’s sit and watch my doctor friends analyse your not having any ‘anfani’ for the body and I will gladly tell them that once I dip you in pepper, you’ve got all I need…
Temi ni tire ni tooto,
Moria

 

Marriage Software

Compiled by Olabode Aderemi Temitayo

MARRIAGE SOFTWARE….

I laughed after reading this, think I should share the humour.

A young husband wrote this to a Systems Analyst –
(Marriage Software Div);

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as “Boys’ Night out 2.5” and “Golf 5.3” no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected.

Attempting to operate selected “Soccer 6.3” always fails and “Shopping 7.1” runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
.
I am thinking of going back to “Girlfriend 7.0”, but uninstall doesn’t work on this program. Can you please help?

…. The Systems Analyst replied:

Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program.

Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.

Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See Manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors’ Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the………
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as “Flowers 2.0” and “Chocolates 5.0” or “HUGS\ KISSES 6.0” or “TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 10.0″ or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1” (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install “Secretary 2.1” (Short Skirt Version) or “One Nightstand 3.2″ (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES!

Yours,”
Systems Analyst

ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL

By Olabode Aderemi Temitayo

One may find it common to claim the end of a phenomenon will be well without a pragmatic approach. Even though Shakespearean play “All’s Well That Ends Well” has a well ending but it still remains a play since 1604. All is never well unless it turns out well in real life situation.

It has become an adage for people to say “all is well…” even though they nearly fell into well. This could be attributed to a struggle for survival (suffering and smiling) as said by Fela Kuti, faking of behaviours, disguise, bribery and corruption; and pretense.

In struggle for survival, people from the bourgeoisie and the lower families tend to work tirelessly to achieve a ration. Unlike the rich, they struggle through thick and thin; sweat and sour to earn; yet, they appear in disguise as richer than the rich. This is perhaps suffering and smiling. Instead of cutting coat according to their sizes, they appear like the children of the richest man in the universe. At last all does not end well when it becomes late for them to realise the mistake of not saving for the rainy days. More often, a few think of tomorrow and tomorrow as time flies. The latter achieves a brighter future when all becomes well.

At times, people feel despaired of struggles to achieve an aim when they are confronted with obstacles such as loss, having alternative that was not the choice more preferred, failure or a tight competition. Despair may make all that is needed to end well; not to end well. In all the aspects of life, there are loopholes. One needs to overcome them not allowing despair to overcome one. When one employs courage and passion for a particular activity or a need, it becomes achievable and on the long run, it ends well.

Psychologists found out in an empirical studies that psychopaths mostly have lack of enthusiasm in partaking in an activity or executing a programme. For instance, in terms of career pursuit, one may aspire for linguistics; unfortunately fortunate, one might be given social studies (education). Hence, one may feel despaired and loss of enthusiasm. This will lead to failure while at last, loosing much achievements. However, at its epilogue, it does not end well.

In real life situation, success is not defined by paper qualification rather skills and chances. A salient example here is the case of Wole Soyinka who had low grade of graduating class, today, he is the first novel laureate in Africa not because he was more intelligent but because he was opportuned…perhaps he grabbed it: now it is all well that people buy all his writings even if it was his coughs and winks, they are all regarded as a magnum opus. Another example was Isaac Newton who had an ordinary pass but _”all was well, because it ended well”. With his skills, level of thinking (philosophy), he remains in books till the history and science vanish.

All is never well untill it ends well in terms of limitless life quests. This could be seen in marriages, relationships, business and career. You may hear people in emotional tune and unwise wit (baseless wit) say ” all is well… “. Despondent on such state of affairs, they still exclaim all is well without witnessing its outcome.

For all to be well, adequate preparation needs to be put in place more so one will add the prayer “all is well”. Wise men say “heavens help those who help themselves”. No sluggish one sees it end well with ordinary prayer! ALL IS WELL THAT ONLY ENDS WELL. If it ends well, after the life of a person, even the ants wil know that it ends well.

 

Written by Adeyeye Maryam Adedoyin

Ekaaro o, Ileya is done and dusted. I was ‘meatingly’ satisfied and ‘ricefully’ overwhelmed.

First Ileya Iya Moria won’t dash me agbo the following morning, you know why? Because I couldn’t EAT meat the ‘normal’ Moria style, all because of recession, abi we don commot for recession time ni?

You know that kain situation when something is so plenty that you are even scared of touching it? That was what happened and thank God second day jollof rice tastes better with tinu eran so I’ve got today to do the munching. Barka De Sallah o